Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Going Deep

Today I’m going to be painfully honest with you and it scares me to admit what I’ve been feeling.  I started this blog as a leap of faith almost three years ago, I honestly didn’t know if I was a good enough writer, funny enough or had anything to say that mattered.  I always wanted to write and leave a legacy of words on the world in my own way.  I wanted those words to make you laugh, inspire, teach, entertain and sometimes even touch your heart.    

While none of those goals changed, my circumstances did, drastically.   I can’t even read some of my first posts today because I don’t know who that woman was, she sure isn’t much like me today.   Ouch, I can’t believe I really wrote that and haven’t backspaced it yet.  Yikes.    When I began writing this blog, although I just got dumped and fired I had no idea that life was about to suck even more.

I’ve written some about these hard days and I don’t want to rehash a bunch of that stuff, but to review, life got increasingly more challenging after I started writing this blog.  What I’m about to say sounds corny, but I truly think some of those experiences shaped me to be a better writer.  While they sucked on ice, I’m also grateful for them because they helped me go deeper and have more to share.

This time in my life forced me to realize that if I was going to inspire YOU, then I had to get my shit together first and put good stuff in my dome.   It was a downside of having an audience, in a small way I felt responsible to put some good crap in your heads, my writing had to have more substance than high heels, lip gloss and making out.  It had to.   Fortunately, I’ve attracted an intelligent audience who likes to be entertained and wants some depth with it.    I realized that this blog couldn’t just be a cheap lap dance, but it could still be sexy.  

In the beginning, I was na├»ve.  I thought I write these fun little dating tales and it would be fun for both of us.   I’d eventually end up meeting someone terrific who would worship me silly and you would clap and cry tears of joy.  Eventually, I’d bore the crap out of you as all I had to share was our boring trips to Home Depot to pick out tile.   Spoiler alert: that shit didn’t happen, now did it?   Nope.    Almost three years of dating and writing and I’m closer to going cat lady crazy than shopping for tile. 

The last two and a half years have been extremely difficult to endure.   There were many nights I went to sleep hoping I wouldn’t wake up in the morning.  I didn’t know how I’d get through another day, let alone another week. 

The two reasons my life has become so challenging  were financial struggles and that my ex stopped being a parent to the boys.   Before this, I could at least count on being a wild and crazy bachelorette every other weekend and having some time to catch my breath.  Now, I don’t have that at all.  It’s been harder to have a life, be a good mom and to maintain a job, to be quite honest with you.   I hate admitting this but I need a break from being a mom, a weekend, an overnight, anything.    I feel like a failure for thinking that let alone writing it, but it’s the truth.  I don’t feel like I’m my best and therefore not able to give my best to the boys. 

In some ways I also feel like I’ve failed you, my reader.   I want to be writing happy, sexy posts consistently.  Heck, I’ve barely been able to write at all.  But hey guess what, life isn’t always what we expect and I know you understand.   But I’m hard on myself, harder than I’m sure you are.  

Another reason I feel like I’ve failed you is because I haven’t found love.  I haven’t written that perfect walk into the sunset, holding another hand.   Sometimes, I wonder what is wrong with me but lately, I’ve realized that it goes deeper than that. 

This deep dive into self-improvement and all my hardcore personal development, especially this year has caused me to pull away from many potential relationships with men and be more picky about who I truly let in.  Yet, I can date more casually for fun, more for the experience of meeting new people, but it takes me much longer to get attached.   I’m also starting to look at why I’ve attracted a certain type of man into my life and then why I was even more of a dumbass and slept with that dude, over and over again.  

A lot of my answers lie on my own shoulders.  I realized that I’ve welcomed men into my life who had some kind of handicap that would keep us from becoming too serious.  Ouch, that’s pretty painful to admit.   A great example of that is the most recent man I dated this summer,  who was much younger.  I wanted companionship but I didn’t want him crowing my life.   The fact that he was younger was a built in hurdle, so that we wouldn’t become extremely close.   What is wrong with me? 

I haven’t truly loved anyone since “The Reader”.  You don’t know how hard that is to admit, especially since he may still read my blog sometimes.   On the other hand, the time that has passed since being involved with him has shown me that although losing him from my life was painful, it was absolutely for the best.   Today, he’s not a man I would be attracted to; I’ve changed so much, it’s almost staggering.  

Over the past couple of years, I’ve gotten as close as one can to falling in love, without completely falling over the cliff.    Truthfully, I’m scared of the weak little girl I am after a difficult breakup, so scared in fact that it keeps me from fully immersing into love.  So my choices are simple, I either let someone in partially or I stay disconnected totally until I find someone worthy of taking the risk.   I’m meeting a lot of men and flirting, but haven’t met anyone who is worth risking my sanity.

I was very fortunate this year to find a book that has drastically shaped my life and my future.     I highly recommend, The Successful Single Mom for anyone going through a difficult time in life.   It’s an excellent book for a single mom or anyone actually who needs a jump start in life and career.  I’ve had the pleasure of speaking with the author of this book, slobbering all over her, thanking her for writing this book.   Her advice literally changed my life for the better,  I use some nugget of wisdom from her book every single day.  It also forced me to look harder at myself, my inner circle and my thoughts.  I’m truly a better person for reading this book.  

In the next few weeks, I’ll share an experience this summer that has made me swear off online dating, at least for now and more from my dating life.  As always thanks for reading and for all your encouragement, it really means a lot!  


The Single Mom


Karyn Meyer-Berthel said...

I'm sorry it has been a sucky three years and that the journey is changing on you so much. I hope this past year's few career developments are good; and I hope that love comes looking for you. You're worth it. Sometimes that huge dating gap can be the hardest, best time and I hope it is for you. Hugs.

singlemom said...

Thank you, Karyn I appreciate your kind words. I'm trying to enjoy every stage that I'm in for what it is. I've been extremely happy the past few months and I'm embracing the single life for the good it is. And yes, things are starting to improve for the best financially, so I'm grateful to hopefully be on the other side of it all, with newfound wisdom and an appreciation for things I'll never take for granted again. Hugs, back. :D

Lisa H. said...

I have read your blog off and on for the last couple of years. I appreciate your honesty and sharing. I am a single mom of 3 boys and will be celebrating 8 years single this weekend. I have done a little dating, but I am so gun shy of getting hurt again that I am like you have have dated guys much younger, or with other issues that keep them at arms length. Please continue to write as you can. You share some of the exact things I am feeling and experiencing. Thank you so much!

singlemom said...

Lisa, thank you so much for sharing your comments, sometimes it feels like I'm the only one going through this stuff and feeling like this. It means a lot that you took time to share with me. I'm trying to change and at least be aware of my walls, but its extremely hard to

Solo Mama said...

Thanks for sharing your truth as a single mom. I discovered your blog from "Circle of Moms" and truly believe it was no coincidence that I did. Although I would not wish some of the struggles of single parenting on anyone, it provides some comfort to know I am not alone. I've just recently started my own blog and have faced some of the same emotions you mentioned here but I realize that if I wait until everything is perfect in my life, I may never write and experience the benefits of being my authentic self online and otherwise. Best to you as you embark on you journey to self discovery and improvement. By being our best selves we are better able to confidently welcome the right people into our world.

singlemom said...

Dear Solo Mama, I can't thank you enough for sharing your thoughts with me. It can be so hard to expose my inner most thoughts and feelings but when someone like you takes the time to thank me for doing so, it means a lot and reminds me why I began this work. All the best to you and please let me know if I can help you, go single mom!

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