First Date Tips and Reentering the Dating World

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/19/dating-after-divorce_n_3118481.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

Last week, the Huffington Post asked me to participate on the panel of Huff Post Live to talk about Dating after Divorce, First Dates and Dealbreakers.  I was immediately excited and a it’s subject I know well.  Last week, I went on two fantastic first dates, so I’ve  recently experienced first date jitters and felt like I could make a contribution.

I’d say over the last 7 years I’ve been on anywhere from about 75 to 100 first dates.  Yikes, that sounds like a lot, but over 7 years, that’s an average of 10 a year on the low side.   My first dates have ranged from being taken to Hooters to watch cage fighting to overnight camping, so I’ve had a wide range of experiences.

To give you some reference, I was married for 13 miserable years, had two kids and when it was time to date again, I was chomping at the bit.  I couldn’t wait for romantic first kisses in the rain and to run across a field of daisies to greet the man of my dreams, arms stretched out wide and his likewise.   That whole dream sequence didn’t play out so well for me in the real world.  What I ended up with in reality was more like the plot of a horrible Lifetime movie.  I met men who had major substance and violence issues and a big 'ol helping of dysfunction.  

After a revolving door of douchebags, I ended up on my shrink’s comfy sofa for a good old fashioned trip to the wood shed.  She ever so gently pointed out to me that I kept choosing the same bad boy over and over again, the color of the Harley may be different as well as the placement of tattoos, but I had to change and expand my dating pool.  She advised me to do two things at that moment.   

The first was to write a list of traits that I wished to find in a long term partner and dealbreakers.   The purpose of this list was to be a reference to keep me on track when I met a man - if he didn’t meet most of the qualities I wanted, I had to move on to the next one.    

The second piece of advice was to go out on as many dates as possible.   Since I had a particular “type”, she suggested I go outside of that comfort zone to meet men of different ages, careers, or ethnicities.   Basically, she challenged me to have a lot of casual first dates in the hopes of expanding the type of man I would be attracted to. 

After a few glasses of wine and some laughs with a married girlfriend, I had a Match.com profile.   My girlfriend enjoyed spending time with me, vicariously feeling like she was a character in “Sex and the City” but then would happily go home to the arms of her loving husband.    She left and before long I was answering emails, instant messaging and making dates. 

That summer, I had shared parenting and for the week I didn’t have my kids, I sometimes had 7 dates in a week.    They ranged from horrific to not God-awful, but eventually I did meet someone pretty terrific, who wasn’t the stereotype bad boy.

Fast forward to the present and I have learned a lot the hard way and I still fall for the wrong guy.   My life is so much more complicated now, having my kids 24/7, rarely having time to date.  During these years, I've taken time to grow and explore myself.  Time I wish I would have taken before I started dating in the beginning.  It was productive to do an honest self-inventory and look hard at things I needed to change.     

Recently, I've forced myself to dip my toe into the dating pool again with a breezy new attitude.   I approach dating now more like a trip to Golden Corral, I take a spoonful of yummies on my plate and see what I like.  If I want more, I can go back for a second helping.   It's more important for me now than ever to keep things in perspective since I have more time constraints now.

 Here are some of my general tips to get you out there on your first dates. 

1.      Talk to and date several people, trying to NOT focus on just one person.   This helps keep it light and having many people to talk to prevents you from thrusting you into a Rocky Road tailspin if you don’t get a text from a specific person.

2.      If you find someone online you think you like, meet them relatively soon, within about a week or so.  I’ve made this mistake, talking to someone constantly and becoming very attached only for it to blow up in my face.  Bottom line is you have to meet the person to know if you have physical attraction, so do this before you fall for the person you think they are, not really the person they truly are.

3.      If you’re a woman, my advice for how to dress for a first date is to dress like a GOOD movie trailer.  You know, the movie trailer that doesn’t show all the best scenes of the movie in the 60 second commercial.   Dress in a way that gives some idea of “coming attractions” but not showing everything you have.  In essence, it’s ok to be sexy but not slutty.

4.      Plan a short date, not longer than a couple of hours or so.  This way you have a built in “out” if you don’t hit it off.  If you do like the person, it’s also going to build intrigue for the next time.   Of course, if you really like each other and want to continue, go with it.

5.      Do an activity on a first date if possible, not a dinner.   An activity helps you bond more readily than trying to make small talk across a dinner table for 2 hours.    Go to a sporting event, play mini golf or a wine tasting.  If you must do a dinner date, choose something that has some built in excitement like a hibachi restaurant or a fondue restaurant where you are actually doing something.

6.      In your conversation, be positive.  Talk about fun activities and positive subjects.   Don’t bring up your ex and if it comes up, share a casual sentence or two.   Listen carefully about what your date has to say about their ex, however.  It will give you a lot of clues about if they are over that relationship and how they talk about that person will give you a lot of insight.

7.      Be honest as much as possible, but don’t feel like you need to bring your tax return.

8.      Of course meet at a neutral location and always be cautious about your safety.

So, whether you’re going on your first date after your divorce or your 50^th, I hope these ideas help you get your dating mojo back.  Oh, and one of my first dates a couple of weeks ago has potential to be something lasting.  Who knows?

Thank you for reading and please share with me your thoughts!  

Smooches,

The Single Mom

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For Love or Money? The Rules of Dating are Changing

I don’t know about you, but you’re much more likely to find me riding my shiny rainbow unicorn headed off to whoop it up on Cupcake Island than you are to find me balancing a checkbook or worse still, in some stupid financial planning class (yawn).  The thought of that practically dulls my glittery eye shadow.  I like living in my own world and the people here really love me too. 

“Reality” and “finances” and other words of that type are not allowed in my day to day vocabulary.  I’m much more concerned with, “Is the lipgloss shiny enough?” “Are the heels high enough?” and I buy jeans based on which one makes my booty look better, am I worried about the price? Nah, notsomuch. 

So, imagine the pure shock and horror I felt when I first heard that “Credit Score Dating” is a thing.  Yes, there are new dating sites devoted to match potential dates up by high credit scores.  If you didn’t just throw up in your mouth a little, you need to process that concept.  I’ll wait… 

Gulp… what did you say??? Credit... Score….. Dating?  I about dropped my credit cards there for a second…   I understand “Credit Score” and “Dating”, well of course I know about dating! Boom, chicka, wa wa… Do I know about dating?   Yes I do thank you very much! *Cheesy wink and air gun*

However, putting these two ideas together makes just about as much sense to me as me putting a stick figure family on the back window of my sassy, sexy, sports car.   

I’m middle aged, divorced and just now beginning to embrace the flaws of said middle aged body along with the emotional shit sandwich that life serves all of us from time to time.   It’s tough enough for me at forty *cough, cough* to put myself “out there” and wonder “Is he going to like me?”  “Is my rack big enough?” “Do my Spanx lines show through my clothes?” …you know the normal checklist we all go through in our head before we meet someone new.    Now, I have to add one more item to the list to be self-conscious about?  You’re kidding me… right?  

When I first heard about this, I nearly marched myself straight to the cat adoption shelter and cleaned them out, along with taking Ben & Jerry home for a future of ice cream and kitties.   Credit score dating was sure to be the end to my legendary career of dating, a fantasy highlight video played in my mind of the great dates, crying ex-boyfriends giving teary speeches and finally culminating with the ceremony where I retired my high heels and lipgloss, waving goodbye to onlookers. 

Then I realized that I had a friend who could help me.  He’s a guy who works in the financial world and yammers on all the time about balancing your checkbook and only buying things you can afford and making a household budget, and a lot of useless, boring knowledge that I never paid much attention to.  

It then also dawned on me that if I didn’t make some serious changes in my finances, that I’d no longer be able to party it up on Cupcake Island and I wouldn’t have a unicorn, shiny or otherwise to get me there, shitsticks!   Screw you, “Reality” – you Sir, suck! 

I quickly hopped off my unicorn and gave my friend Britt a call.  He sent me a lot of information and even a video about how divorce can affect your credit score and some common myths about relationships and credit.  He teaches a financial planning class and also gave me some great information and makes it easy, and almost fun.  Almost.   He made a difficult subject easier and I’m going to share his suggestions with you about credit and divorce.  You can also email him directly at

bscearce@gmail.com for more information or help. 

Credit considerations when facing a Divorce

Divorce is an emotional separation that can greatly impact your financial situation. Many people are financially fit until faced with the economic consequences of marital separation. There are some steps you can take to minimize money problems during what is already a stressful time.

1.  Beware of using money or charge cards as a marital weapon - if accounts are jointly held, you may end up paying the killer bill.

2.  Stop charging unless you have the personal income to pay it off in a timely fashion. Do not use credit cards to supplement missing income.

3.   Save for moving expenses and legal fees. They may be hefty and you should save and not charge or take new loans - unless, you have a secure job and can pay them back as promised.

4.  Pay utilities on time - especially if they are in your name. If you have to move and resume service, you may be asked to pay security deposits if you have not been a good paying customer in the past. The same goes for rent and mortgage payments. Many landlords request credit bureau reports, and if the payment history is poor, they may refuse to rent to you.

 5.  Do not take out any new joint loans with your spouse. If your spouse doesn't pay, you will have to pay the entire loan.

 6.   Write the credit card companies and send a certified letter requesting a new credit card in your name only. According to the Equal Credit Opportunity Act, they must grant you a credit card equal to the current card's credit limit.

7.   Protect your divorce judgment. If the divorce papers stipulate your spouse is responsible for the debts, unless you take legal action to remove your name from the original contract, the creditor may still pursue you in court.

8.  Base all new bills and living arrangements on what you can reasonably afford on your own. Don't depend on child support or alimony when making future income considerations.

9.  Read and understand any financial documents BEFORE you sign. Make sure your attorney or financial advisor explains all the consequences of a decision, including any penalties for early withdrawals and income tax complications.

Here is a great video about Marriage/Divorce & Credit:

http://www.fox19.com/category/240225/video-landing-page?clipId=8559164&flvUri=&partnerclipid=&topVideoCatNo=95951&c=&autoStart=true&activePane=info&LaunchPageAdTag=homepage&clipFormat=flv

So, before you go invest in an expensive new pushup bra with all the “special effects”, and sexy Lebotins, go balance your checkbook first and, then go knock ‘em dead on your next date!

Thanks for reading and go have some great dates!

Has your credit score come up in conversation on a date?  How do you feel about "Credit Score Dating"?   Please connect with me in the comments below, I'd love to hear what you think!

Smooches!

The Single Mom

So, what has The Single Mom been up to?  My world has been hectic with the boys, work and a lot of self improvement.  I've been working hard and things are looking up for me!   I've also been out on several excellent dates with a couple of men I really like, but just taking it as it comes.  They are both freshly out on "the market" again from new divorces, so I'm being more cautious than normal but having a lot of fun getting to know them.  Big smooches! 

Happy Valentine's Day... Feelin' the Love!

 

Hello, friends I’ve missed you so much!  I enjoy hearing from all of you and the friendships I’ve found from sharing this part of my life with you.   I hope love or at least some extremely hot lust has found you and life is treating you well! 

I’ve been busy with the mom thing and work.  There has been so much going on with having a very sick boy and trying to juggle all of the normal responsibilities I have.   Without going into too much detail, my youngest son has needed a lot of attention and my focus has been shoring up our lives.   What little time I’ve had I have been working out and trying to get my head together, when that didn’t work I just drank myself stupid… hey whatever works, right?

Things ended sadly with “Latin Lover” as he and his ex-wife reconciled to raise their child together.   It hurt me tremendously and sucked the air out of my life temporarily.  If you follow me on Twitter, I had a painful tweeting meltdown right on my Twitter stream that would make me bawl if I read today, but I’m putting him behind me.  I’ve deleted his number after all this time and finally closed that chapter of my life, and blog… haha… sob.... 

Fortunately, just recently I’ve been able to start to have a little bit of “me time” and even have a couple of good dates.   I’m really trying to pace myself and make good decisions because my life is really complicated right now, so it’s just been fun to be just be "out there" and flirting again.  I’m going to enjoy the moment and not overthink it for now, I promise. 

I’ve heard from so many ex-boyfriends in the past week, it’s crazy.   It is an annual Valentine’s Day tradition much like the Swallows returning to San Juan Capistrano, so I’m more immune to it than I’d normally be.  Some I’ve ignored and others I’ve at least texted, blech!

One of my past long distance loves reached out to me and I can’t bring myself to talk to him, despite his angry and sexy texts reminiscing about our past.  It’s sad but I just can’t open myself up to him once more.  My heart finally gets calloused to certain people and while that’s a good thing, I never know if I’m being too protective.  Someday, when I’m the crazy cat lady, I’ll wonder why I was such a crusty bitch in 2013, but for today I’m not ready to let the same person hurt me multiple times.

So, while my Valentine’s Day “love” story doesn’t include a meaty dude and me walking off into the sunset, it does include two boys who call me mom and my love for myself.  Those are more important loves for my long term happiness and don’t you even try to talk me out of my delusions, dammit!

Thank you so much for reading!

Smooches,

 

The Single Mom

 

 

The Dating Game: Bachelor #3

 

Was my crappy luck in the dating game over or was it about to change?   My date with Bachelor #1 was awkward, Bachelor #2 was a good date but I didn’t go home with him and as a result there wasn’t a date number 2.  So, was the third man going to be the charm? 

My first date with Bachelor #3 was a casual lunch get together that didn’t really even feel like a date.  We met on Twitter, chatted back and forth and made a last minute lunch “date”.    I’d just come from a job interview, was in a suit and was still decompressing from the pressure of being grilled.  Heck, how much more pressure should I put on myself than to have a first date right after an interview?  Sheesh that’s a big ol’ stress sandwich.  

I enjoyed our lunch conversation and it was effortless.  We instantly seemed comfortable with each other, asked “get to know you” questions peppered with a lot of random humor.   This date wasn’t long after the full court press that Bachelor #2 put on me and so having a funny conversation with a man was a welcomed surprise.   After lunch, we hugged and talked about getting together and I looked forward to that.  I had a great time, we connected and it was so low key, exactly what I needed.

As the next couple of days went by, we kept in touch but he wasn’t making typical aggresive male moves.  He casually asked me on a date for the next weekend.   We set a date for a movie and met at the theatre on Saturday night.  I was very relaxed to see him, getting ready was stress free, although I fixed my makeup and hair for a date, I didn’t think much about what to wear. 

We met up, exchanged quick hugs and bought our tickets.   We also bought the monster trough of popcorn, large enough to feed a small third world country.   Seating was limited, but we made our way inside the comfy theatre and settled in for the show.   We hadn’t broken any kind of physical date contact barriers yet and I could sense he was contemplating making the typical arm around the shoulder move or some other similar gesture.   So, we exchanged casual chit chat through the previews while I imagined he was planning a move.

It felt comfortable being with him, maybe too comfortable if that’s possible.  After the other recent dates and having to feel like I was defending myself it was nice to not have to worry.  We exchanged quiet chit chat during the previews and I playfully snuck bites of his popcorn.  

I felt relaxed and being with him was incredibly easy.   Once the movie started, I made a joke about how he could do the pretend yawn move so that he could put his arm around me.   Maybe it was me being a control freak or maybe I wanted to rescue him from wondering if was going to be ok.   He seemed happy to have the “green light” and he moved the arm rest between us so that I could snuggle closer. 

It struck me as a little odd having this intimate kind of physical contact with someone before having our first kiss, but it also felt comfortable, like slipping on a favorite sweater.   We saw an action movie and enjoyed reacting to the plot twists with each other.    My feet were tucked under me, comfortably and his arm rested casually around my waist, touching the bare skin between the waist of my jeans and my blouse.  It was a sensual feeling and certainly wasn’t out of bounds for us being on just a second date.  

Once the movie ended, we made plans to have dinner at the Irish Pub a block away, a place I’ve spent many evenings and was the setting of many fun and romantic memories for me.   He arrived first and claimed a table in the cozy library room.    We ordered dinner and drinks and immediately started talking.  For some reason, tonight’s conversation was much more serious.  

He talked about his divorce and some serious health challenges he endured.  I listened intently and shared a little about some things I’ve been through as well.   However, I wasn’t expecting the evening to have such a serious tone, unlike our first date.   I tried to inject some humor and I wasn’t sure I hit the mark of the levity I tried for because it felt like I might have offended him with my joking. 

I enjoy real conversations and I surely don’t want to participate in superficial ones, but I wasn’t prepared for tonight to be so heavy.  I wondered if he felt like he wanted to disclose these details in the name of honesty, as a confession requirement for a relationship, or if it was just something he felt like he needed to talk about.   Either way, I appreciated that he felt like he could trust me with such personal information but I wondered if he still had some healing to do from his divorce, I wasn’t sure.    It was such a serious conversation that it wasn’t conducive to my typical flirty moves and charm, so I was beginning to question if there was an attraction, it was difficult to decode.

We both had light dinners, finished the conversation on a positive note, and we decided to call it a night.  He put his arm around me as he walked me to my car in the crisp fall air.   It felt more relaxed and I was wondering if he’d kiss me as we walked along the sidewalk.   I pointed out my car and we stopped in front of it to exchange goodbyes.  He towered over me by more than a foot and our long hug soon became a longer kiss, and then several more.   We kissed long and passionately under the stars.    

His arms reached tightly around my waist as he pulled me close to him as his kisses became intense.   I felt his hands graze over my ass as he cupped me tightly against him as we kissed.    I enjoyed kissing him and I felt wanted, as my attraction for him was starting to increase.   His passion intensified as he grabbed my head while his kisses became hot like fire in my mouth.  As we kissed, his fingers moved up through my hair, grabbing the roots.  It was a sexy moment and I became aware I was making an audible moaning sound, but I wasn’t going to stop. 

A lot of thoughts were racing through my head as we kissed and it felt good to know that we had physical chemistry since I generally liked him as a person.   I was lost in the feeling of being swept away by his kisses and as we stopped, I tried to talk coherently, but it took me a few seconds to rattle myself back into the moment.

We ended the night with warm fuzzies, happy thoughts and promises to see each other again soon.  Yet, after the date, we kept in touch but my life took a swift turn down the 'ol toilet.   

My ex became a real ass to our youngest son and hasn’t participated in his life since.  It’s made me have to juggle everything and has reduced my social life down to the bare bones, sadly.    Out of fairness, I did give Bachelor #3 some basic details of the happenings of my life and I understand if he decided to let things settle for awhile.   I’m disappointed that we didn’t get to see more of each other but for the short term, my main focus has to be on my son and getting him through this.   

It’s been a difficult emotional landscape for my son, affected his grades tremendously and I’m also trying to balance it with my work and my own challenges.   Honestly, it’s been a challenge to be everything, pick him up from school when he’s sick, get my work done, wearing all these hats has been a source of major stress.

I tried to make the holidays as celebratory as I could, but I could sense my son was feeling an undercurrent of rejection and pain.   Somehow, I know we will get through this and be better for it.  I know I will, I have to and I hope that this new year has lots more kisses and warm fuzzies in store for me.   I am still talking to Latin Lover, but his life is stressful at the moment too.   So, I'm trying to just keep my focus on what is important today, and that's my son.

This is a season in my life that parenting has to come first and it’s only temporary, so I’m going to pass through it and know that it’s all falling into place the way it needs to.   I’ve come so far this year and I have so many exciting things ahead, I know I’m close and I can see good things coming.   Thank you for being patient, I'd love to be able to write more but haven't had time off until this break.

I thank you so much for reading, for sending me good thoughts and I hope your holiday season is wonderful!

Smooches,

The Single Mom

 

The Dating Game... 3 New Eligible Bachelors...

For those of you who email/tweet/Facebook me with advice about my dating life, I hear one criticism frequently – that I need to stop dating ex’s and date NEW men.  I appreciate any feedback and in this case I completely agree and I have been trying to do that… well except for the recent date with “Latin Lover”.   That date was somewhat one of curioisity and well not gonna sugarcoat it, down and dirty Miss naughty pants stuff. 

Yet, I know that I need to open up (carefully) to new men and have been taking baby steps doing that.  I just haven’t been able to catch you up until now on how that’s been going and what new ways I’ve gotten my ass kicked by it.   Yay, go me!  Meh.  

There have been some fun dates, first kisses, good guys, attraction and mixed signals, maybe even from me.   Admittedly, I’m not great at navigating through these murky waters of dating and it has probably made all this more complicated because I’m trying to resolve the feelings that have come to the surface after seeing Latin Lover again.

I’m trying to keep a frame of mind about Latin Lover that I’m just going to let whatever is going to happen to be and not get too excited about it.   Usually this delusion lasts about 3 seconds and in my mind the next moment we are running across a field of daisies, toward each other, arms outstretched (which other than not knowing where a field of daisies is, it  could totally happen).   

However, I recently went on a dating spree.  All these dates happened within the same week, which was probably not a good idea in and of itself.   There were some good moments, nice first kisses and well of course awkward moments too…

Bachelor #1

I started talking to a few men on Twitter, which has been such a bad decision in the past.  It isn’t Twitter, it is that my “persona” on Twitter is maybe a little bit of a fantasy.  That isn’t to sound like I think too much of myself, but 90% of my tweets are from naughty, shiny side of me.    I think the expectation is that I always cook in my heels and talk dirty 24/7 (almost true, but not exactly, lol).

I did meet a man on Twitter though who was really sincere, a writer himself and broken.   We started sending messages back and forth and my role early seemed to be consoling him.  The first time we talked on the phone we totally hit it off and talked for 4 hours into the wee hours of the morning.   It was a powerful, connected conversation.  It did go near “Dirtytown” and unfortunately I think that’s where this train wrecked and burned, burning alive all the passengers inside. (not to be too dramatic, or anything)

I also made a “Rookie Mistake” which I shouldn’t have.  I know better.    I was a dumbass and met him at his place.   Fortunately, he wasn’t one of “those guys” but I know he wanted that to happen and he became awkward and uncomfortable.  Maybe it was just normal nerves but unfortunately it triggered a horrible flashback in my past.   We went on with the date, went to cute little spot near his apartment and went through the motions.   Unfortunately, there was just no way for me to pull myself out of this emotional funk.  We ended the night with good intentions to see each other and a good night kiss, but I just wanted to hibernate.   As soon as I got home, I went straight to bed, pulled the covers over my head and cried thinking of my past hurts and that feeling lingered for a couple of days.

It wasn’t his fault at all, it was probably more mine.  However, I don’t really think the timing was good for him and I have to chalk it up to a learning experience.

Bachelor #2

He saw me on a dating site and emailed the hell outta me.   I didn’t have a membership so I could only send him one email, which I did after about 5 from him, giving him my personal email address.   He seemed a little like a pompous jerk and although I couldn’t even read everything he sent me, it seemed to be driving him bat shit crazy that I wasn’t emailing him.    Once the email correspondence started, he revealed a side of him that was sweet, vulnerable and overall not-assholeish.  

We texted and clicked.  Clearly, he was really falling for my goofiness and dorkiness -- it’s my tractor beam that sucks them in every time.  Pity, really.   Just kiddin, but I was starting to let my guard down with him and share more about myself.  We had some favorite songs in common and it opened the door for some inside jokes and cute flirting.   We were careful not be too flirty and it seemed like our first date was going to be one for the books.   Before we even went out, he was setting up our second date and dropped hints of taking me along to Chicago for a business trip with him the following week.   I have to admit, it didn’t suck.

For our first date, he planned an innocent date that would have been “Leave it to Beaver” approved --  indoor mini golf near my house.  When he got there he made sure to be obvious by texting me to look out for his BMW in the parking lot, which this was one of several overt references he made to his financial success.   *Gag*    

Anyhoo, the date was fun.  He seemed nervous to meet me and in an attempt to impress me tried to show off his mini golf swag.   Whenever he could, he stood near me and I could tell he was attracted to me, which was nice to know early.   He was dark and handsome, but not as confident as I would have liked. However, I was beginning to like him in person.

After golfing, we headed outside on the cold night and had our first kiss.   He was a little nervous, grabbed my head and kissed me hard.  The kiss led to several more and they were passionate.   After a few minute kissing sesh, he leaned up against his BMW to lay the ol’ sales pitch on me for me to come to his house to continue the evening.  It was about as subtle as the moment on “The Bachelor” when there is an envelope inviting the other to the fantasy suite for the evening and both people know what’s about to go down.

I couldn’t be out late because it was a work/school night for one.  Second, I was not about to go to his house on a first date.  He insisted that he wasn’t going to push intimacy and that nothing would happen that wasn’t a good idea.   I didn’t want the date to end, so I offered that instead we have a drink at a nearby pub and continue the night.    He wouldn’t have it and tried his best to persuade me.   Neither one of us budged so we parted for the night with a lot of kisses and date number two planned for the next night.  

The next day just so happened to be election day and not a good financial day for Bachelor #2, as he is a Financial Planner.   He texted me to cancel the date and was a total a-hole about how he lost a lot of money in the market that day and lashed out at me.   I was done.  

He didn’t try to apologize or even backpedal.  I think his ego was so bruised from me “rejecting” his offer to come to his place that he just couldn’t get over it, I’m not sure.  However, I was sure that he wasn’t the one for me.

Next time:  Bachelor #3… two dates, attraction but maybe some mixed messages… 

 

Thanks for reading!

Smooches,

 

The Single Mom

 

The Long Awaited Reunion with "Latin Lover"

Thanks for your kind words and patience during my silence.  It feels great to be missed.   Suffice it to say that I’m struggling to take care of everything, the boys, working on short term projects, looking for long term work and trying to juggle the parenting demands.   However, I have been on several dates over the past month, and this is one of them, about 2 weeks ago.  This date is my reunion with “Latin Lover”, the man I was smitten with last summer…

It didn’t seem real, even as I looked at his text saying “I can’t wait to see you tonight”, I could see more reasons that something would happen to cancel tonight’s date than I could see it really happening.  Or, I could see it happen but me embarrassing myself, like trying to make a sexy entrance and falling -- creating a Chevy Chase entrance instead, like I have done before, seriously.

You have to first understand that men like “Latin Lover” don’t happen to women like me.  He’s incredibly good looking, charming and sexy.   I’m confident about myself, but there is still a huge part of me who is the awkward girl in middle school who relied on her sense of humor to make friends and to eventually catch the eye of Jr. High boys.

As a little girl, my mom read The Ugly Duckling over and over to me.  Looking back now, I wonder if she hoped someday beauty would find me and I’d have a triumphant ending like the duckling.   I’m in my forties now and I feel confident and sexy but I know my limitations and I see my flaws (like all of us). Yet I’m at an age where I don’t give a rat’s rear what other people think about me, good or bad.   Over the past year, I’ve worked hard to lose weight and have even started running again.  My confidence has started to swell but unfortunately my “assets” have been shrinking.

If anything, now the timing was fantastic for a reunion with Latin Lover, I feel great and I’m in a good place emotionally.   When the chance came to go to his city for a meeting, my hand was the first one in the air.  I gladly volunteered to drive the almost 2 hours to “Latinloverland” and attend a meeting for our team.   I took a huge breath, typed a text to him asking him if he was free Thursday night that I’d be in town and hit “send”. 

 I didn’t really expect an answer from him right away, since I had to cancel plans with him just a few months ago, twice.    I was physically sick from the disappointment of not getting to see him, but there were things going on in my boys’ life that I had to deal with.

 I put the phone down, and didn’t look at it for about a half an hour to get some things done and was prepared for whatever answer came… or didn’t come.   My message light was blinking red and I held my breath as I opened his text.  I had to read it twice to make sure it was true and let out a happy squeal when he said he’d love to see me.

The next couple of days I had daydreams about seeing him again, wondering what it would be like and trying to not be nervous, trying is about all I could shoot for.    It had been a year and a few months since we’d seen each other.   When we met our connection was instant and I’ve never felt anything even close to it.   I was instantly attracted to him, genuinely liked him and we were very physical for a first date.   I NEVER let my guard down like that and probably made a bit of an ass of myself telling him so. 

We saw each other a few times last summer and each time was perfect, from start to finish. Unfortunately, this incredible attraction wasn’t enough to compete with both of our busy parenting schedules, work schedules and trying to squeeze moments of life in the remaining cracks.    I didn’t take it well and said some cranky things to him when we said goodbye.  Eventually, we started texting again and I was thrilled just to be able to have any contact with him.

We kept in touch, barely and it was fun reminiscing about our past sexy moments, easily the sexiest moments of my life.    Fantasies of him were never far from my mind and I could remember just about every detail of our time together, what he wore, what I wore, everything. 

I was feeling stressed, could think of 10 things I needed to check off my “to do” list more than extend this day and see him, but I told myself that if he could still see me that I deserved this time, these few hours with him.   I resolved to be in a great mood and make sure to make sure I was great company for him. 

I dressed for the meeting but also did pre-date preparations and even enjoyed the extra “beauty chores”.  I enjoyed shaving my legs envisioning him touching them, and I took extra care moisturizing every inch of my skin.  I wore a suit but added some feminine details and even wore thigh highs and a lacy garter belt as a surprise.

Today as I began the drive to see him, I felt giddy when I saw the sign showing the distance to his city.  I was excited to finally be heading to see him and yet it almost still didn’t seem real.   As I drove to see him, I grew more excited as the numbers marking the miles counted down and yet the cynical voice in my head kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to have to cancel.    

I found my way to my meeting place at the busy shopping center, ironically the same one that he and I met at last summer.  I had to force myself to stop letting my fantasies carry me totally away from the humdrum meeting.   Unfortunately, it was boring and it made the time drag even longer.  After it was over I still had an hour to kill and dashed into a couple of stores to try to pass this time, but I couldn’t shake the nervous anticipation.

I jumped when my text chime went off.  My pulse began to race as I took a deep breath and read his words.   He asked me where I was and I was so relieved to know he wasn’t cancelling tonight.     He told me to go the French restaurant and he’d be there in a few.   I texted back oui oui and circled around happily wasting time looking for it. 

I found a place to park took a few more moments to primp and made my way to the restaurant.    I ran into the restaurant to adjust my thigh highs trying to feel normal wearing them, but really felt dorky.   He texted me to please order his drink, and I was happy to sit and order, claiming the last two chairs at the crowded bar. 

It was relaxing to have a change of scenery to be away from my hometown and to see completely unfamiliar faces, it almost felt like being on vacation.   I tried to convince myself that tonight was really happening but it still seemed so hard to believe.   Latin Lover and our nights together have become a recurring fantasy reel in my mind and I wondered if time exaggerated our connection if maybe the chemistry was just a summer fling.  

My mind slipped back to our first date and what I thought about as I waited for him.  I wasn’t nervous that first night, not completely knowing what to expect and yet tonight I was more nervous because I DID know what to expect.  He is gorgeous, charming and someone who I felt instantly comfortable being around, yet he’s so good looking that he can rattle even me.   I remembered the moment he walked in on our first date, greeted me so warmly with a quick kiss on the mouth.   I was smitten with him from that first second and something about him wouldn’t let me go, even after all this time.

My mind also raced to our kissing sessions and how the passion carried us away.   The bartender interrupted my impure memories and I know I had a dirty smirk on my face as I tried to order the cocktails.  Our drinks quickly came and I drank mine in an attempt to calm my nerves. 

A few minutes later, he came in like a fireball and hugged me, tightly.   I enjoyed his embrace, closed my eyes and breathed his cologne in deeply, which made the memories of him appear even more vivid in my mind.  I tightened my arms around him as he planted kisses on my neck.  

It finally was real to me, HE was really here, now in the chair next to me and we were both grinning from ear to ear, the joy on our faces had to be obvious to anyone.  I tried to hide the fact that my hands were shaking, but I’m not sure I completely pulled it off.  We instantly started catching up and didn’t stop, having so much to tell each other and we covered just about everything from the daily grind, our kids and even sex.  

He asked me a lot about my writing and was disappointed to hear that I was having to backburner it to deal with the demands of life.   He encouraged me to continue doing it and to keep pursuing that dream.  It meant so much to hear him say this but I explained that it’s just not possible right now, sadly.

As we were talking, the eye contact was intense and we were constantly touching.   There were a few times that he just paused and said “I can’t believe you’re really here, I just can’t believe it.”   Kissing was a pleasant break between conversations and it felt so great to have his mouth on mine again.  

We were able to go from breezy topics to deep ones, with ease.    We shared a lot and the time we had been apart was irrelevant, we didn’t miss a beat in the intimacy we had. 

He was just as gorgeous as I remembered although he did seem tired and stressed.   However, he was sweet and attentive to me.  He made sure I had what I needed and was comfortable and took random breaks to kiss my neck, hand, wrist or touch my leg.    Although we were in the bar of a crowded restaurant, we were oblivious to anyone around us, except the occasional interruption from the bartender.   The happiness on our faces was probably more than obvious and with the kissing, probably borderline obnoxious to those around us.

Sitting next to him, I felt happier than I have in a very long time, I thoroughly enjoyed staring into his eyes and savoring his beauty as we talked. 

He said he’d like to see me more, even talked about us taking a getaway trip.   It was a thrilling thought but I didn’t want to think about it too much and get my hopes up.    The time flew by and the kissing started to overtake the conversation.  His hand moved up my smooth leg and he took a momentary break from kissing me to flash me a naughty smirk when he discovered the lacy garter on my thigh.   

His hand moved recklessly up the side of my skirt and it made me feel like the entire bar could see my ass.   I gasped and chided him for a second but laughed it off quickly.  Gesturing the bartender for the check was his obvious next move.  We quickly paid and walked the path quickly to the front door.

I noticed how beautiful the scenery outside the restaurant was now that it was dark.  There was a lake, lit beautifully and the sound of the running waters from the fountain completed the scene for our passionate kissing.  Everything about kissing him felt so right and I was so estatic to be with him again.   The night was chilly and we started walking towards my car, hand in hand.   

I knew we didn’t have much time because I had to be home and I knew his son was expecting him too.  This time with him was perfect so far and I couldn’t have written a better night with him, except if we could have been together all night long.    

We stole a few semi private sexy moments in the parking lot outside my car.   He kissed the few bits of bare skin he could get away with and I enjoyed receiving his affections.  His passion and the way he kisses is a totally different feeling than I’ve ever felt because it’s obvious he thoroughly adores a woman. When I’m with him, I feel adored, worshiped almost in his presence.  

The night’s chill forced us into my car and it wasn’t long before the windows were covered in steam.    Any doubt I had earlier today that our passion was fleeting, was long gone now.   We reluctantly said our goodbyes and talked about seeing each other again.    It took about 3 times for us to be able to finally say goodbye and it was difficult to watch him finally walk to his car when the night was over.  

The night was perfect and I didn’t want to think about the future too much.  I enjoyed the long car ride home replaying this night, feeling peaceful and so happy to have seen him again, hopeful for the future but just enjoying the moment for what it was.

Thank you for reading! 

Smooches,

The Single Mom

The Chilly Days after the Steamy Night with "Man Candy"

As the “morning after” went on, I started to come down from the emotional high of waking up next to Man Candy and all the happy flashbacks of the night before started to be replaced with questions.   I started to wonder what did last night mean, what would happen next and was he starting to have deeper feelings for me. 

I tried to toss these thoughts out of my mind and just try to enjoy the rush, but it became harder and harder as the hours passed.    An image of our steamy night, bathed in salty kisses and intense lovemaking flashed in my memory, but just as quickly, it was replaced by an uneasy feeling of thinking I'd made a mistake.  My body was washed over in pleasure and I enjoyed smelling his cologne linger on my skin, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right.

We kept in touch, not much change in our communication patterns and I consciously tried to not be a “girl” and dig deep into his feelings or probe him for any change in our closeness.    I read and reread every text three or four times to try to sniff out a hidden meaning or some hint of closeness, only to find nothing to hang hope on. 

We met the next Sunday afternoon to watch football.  It was a beautiful day with clear blue skies and the first day that the breezes started to feel more like fall and at the same time that summer was slipping away fast.   The place we met was a local spot that we met up for beers last winter.  Today, we went outside and were seated on an outdoor patio surrounded by lively football fans, cheering on their team and downing wings and beers.   

The mood was cheerful and we enjoyed the sunshine on our faces and being able to see the football game from outdoors.  We had beers, snacks and enjoyed the game.  During commercials, we chatted about our usual subject matter, kids, work, sports but nothing of any depth.     After the game, I decided to get home to get a jump start on the week ahead.   There were groceries to buy and the boys’ laundry to fold and put away.   I was enjoying my time with Man Candy but there really didn’t seem to be a reason to stay. 

Our conversation seemed more forced than normal and although it was comfortable it just didn’t seem like we were cutting through basic small talk.   We said our goodbyes and I made my way back through the crowded bar to the entrance.   As I walked to my car, it began to irritate me that he didn’t walk me out and kiss me goodbye. 

I had a 20 minute drive home to think about this more and I became more irritated.  When I came to my exit, I pulled over at the first parking lot and texted him how he seemed distant today and I didn’t understand why.   I put my car in drive and began to roll forward when I received his reply.  He seemed angry and told me I was nuts and that he was just his normal self.    I fired back that he could have walked me out and kissed me goodbye and thought it was odd that he didn’t.   

His reply was that he was sorry and it wasn’t intentional.    I accepted his apology but started to realize that we were in two completely different places emotionally.   I had to realize that I couldn’t expect him to have some kind of spiritual connection with me during a football game, but I didn’t want to feel like a piece of furniture either. 

During the next week, he seemed a little more distant than normal and I realized he probably wasn’t going to develop deeper feelings for me.   I knew if I wanted to hang out with him, watch a game and share some beers, I was in luck.  However, if I wanted to have the closeness that we used to have, it didn’t seem possible. 

The next few days passed along without incident.  On Friday, we didn’t have any plans for the weekend and out of frustration I sent him a text that afternoon that I wanted to talk.   He called me right away and I took a walk to overlook the river to take his call.  He was concerned about what I had to say and encouraged me to talk.  

I explained that I didn’t see us moving in a forward direction and that I was frustrated and disappointed.   He opened up about some issues about his son and his ex that have been taking his attention the past few days.  There had been some drama and they had been going back and forth about homework and schedules. 

I took this time to tell him some observations about his ex that I’ve been keeping to myself for weeks.   I basically unloaded how I felt she was using him and controlling his life and I was probably too blunt.  It bothered me how this was going on and I finally spilled my guts about it.  He was quiet for a few moments which seemed much longer than they really were.  

He agreed with everything that I said and thanked me for bringing it all to his attention.   He saw a new reality that somehow he’d been denying all along and he couldn’t argue with anything I said.  I apologized for saying it the way I did, but that I wanted him to be able to make changes.    This opened up a whole new conversation and I told him that I was here to help him in any way I could and that I wished he’d told me what had been happening.     

It felt like we had made some real progress and it felt like we were almost like a team and he trusted my opinion.   He asked if he could see me tonight after work and I invited him to come along with my colleagues after we finished and have some beers with us.  He said he’d text me and that he was looking forward to the evening. 

I checked my phone several times and his text finalizing our plans never came.  I went ahead with my plans and enjoyed chatting with my coworkers after an intense week.    It was a relief that the long week was finally behind us and the drinks were taking the edge off of the past few days.    I texted him simply, “WTH?”  and before I could put the phone down, it rang. 

Of course it was him calling to tell me that he was feeling depressed and couldn’t force himself to go out like he originally planned.   It was so loud in the bar and I wasn’t going to continue to have a conversation with him while I could be having fun with my friends.   He clearly wasn’t putting in the same effort and I wasn’t going to let it bother me.   I told him we’d talk later and I continued enjoying time with my friends.   It affected me and it hurt my feelings, because I started to hope that we had turned a corner, but deep down, I didn’t count on it either. 

I spent the next day cleaning, organizing and tossing out stuff.  I’m not sure why, but during emotional times like this, I clean out my closet, maybe I just feel like I need to regain control of something, anything so I took my frustration out for “Man Candy” out on my innocent walk in closet.    

Later that evening, I met a girlfriend for appetizers and a drink to replay the past few days and get her opinion.  She listened and agreed that there didn’t seem to be any reason to think he’d change and that I should stop communicating with him.

That night, when I got home, I was beyond worn down.  I was both drained and physically exhausted.   As I slipped into bed, I texted “Man Candy” a simple goodbye, telling him that I care about him but it’s time to part ways.    It wasn’t necessary to talk again and rehash everything, it was clear where we both stood and that there wasn’t a point of dragging it out longer.  

He apologized for sending me mixed messages and I was a little bitchy with my response.   I know he didn’t mean to hurt me but he still did and that it didn’t make it hurt less.   My anger was pushing my sadness down and I was still feeling bitchy, not sad.    He said goodbye and that he’ll miss me too.   I read his words several times but I couldn’t cry, I just mocked his text repeating his words in a sarcastic tone.  I knew it was immature, but it was easier than feeling disappointment and rejection.

I texted my other best friend, a guy who is much younger than me, but somehow we are incredibly close.  I knew he’d be working the late shift and that he’d know just what to say to comfort my battered heart.    He immediately returned my text and was incredibly sweet, offering to talk if I needed to.    I thanked him for being so sweet but I didn’t feel like talking.  

I then sent a couple of pathetic, whiny texts about what happened and how sad I was that it ended up like this.  I was aware of how lame I was and he texted me back with a perfect response.   He told me that I’m a beautiful woman inside and out and that “Man Candy” would someday realize what a great woman he lost.   Although it was a “textbook” reply, it still touched me profoundly and my eyes started to fill with tears, finally. 

I thanked him for saying that and sent him a short and sweet text back.   My tears were flowing and I could barely see enough to read anymore.   My eyes closed and I let the tears stream down my face.   Although he texted me a couple more sweet texts, I didn’t see them until morning because I was already asleep…  dreaming a new dream.

Thank you so much for reading!!!

Smooches,

The Single Mom


Sorry I've been out of action for so long, life has been incredibly busy and stressful.   I'm in the thick of looking for a new job and it's been a lot of time and stress, but very important.    I also did an appearance on Huffington Post Live,  a panel conversation.  I've been asked to do another one and it just hasn't worked out, so hopefully, I'll be able to do one soon.   I've also been doing a regular Friday morning radio show talking about dating and relationships, so that's been fun to do and great to help people with their dating questions.   I've also struck out again on the dating scene, a couple of dates to catch you up on soon... not sure what to make of it all, but I'm putting myself back out there again, so I guess that's a good thing, we will see won't we?   Smooches!!!